201. (Nobody saw this one coming, but…) People who decide that looking for oncoming traffic before taking a left out a parking lot is optional. No… it isn’t optional as a matter of fact. Hope you enjoy your dent in your car and your liability, jackass, ‘cause I’m sure enjoying my totaled car and broken freakin’ wrist and forearm.
202. On that note, not being able to drive when you have a fully effective license. I could probably figure out a way to drive with my cast on, but without a car, things are made… um… harder. At age 18, being often forced to rely on parents again to get you where you need to be is horribly degrading. The settlement money, however…
203. People who say, “No homo” preceding saying something that could possibly be construed as sounding slightly homosexual. If you’re not homosexual, as you at least postulate, then why the hell is it necessary to say this? All “no homo” does for anybody is bring people around them to think quite the opposite. Perhaps it’s insecurity, but it’s annoying to no end.
(Idea borrowed, hopefully with forgiveness, from Jess. xP)
204. Things that seem to deteriorate in quality faster than simple decay logic would project. Sure, I’m willing to accept that my various electronics and (non-totaled) vehicles begin to slowly decline after some amount of time, but certain electronics (*cough* iPods *cough*) seem to deteriorate at a mind-boggling rate. My iPod’s battery life has decreased by about 4 hours in the past year. There’s absolutely no reason for this. I’m fairly certain it’s Apple’s way of ensuring we keep shelling money out to them.
205. People who, on message boards, forums, or whatever, feel a burning need to proclaim that they are “FIRST!” to post rather than say something with substance. Wonderful… you can press a refresh button quickly over the course of a few minutes in anticipation of a post. Do you want a bloody medal?
206. The phrase, “You’re running a temperature” when referring to a fever. No shit… I’d better be running a temperature, otherwise I’d be dead, wouldn’t I, smart one? The only thing running a temperature is your IQ… and that’s at just about room temperature.
207. Graduation “rehearsals.” Please tell me what part of standing in one place for two or three hours and walking across a stage when you hear your name requires rehearsal. We’re high school graduates, people. One would think we’d be able to figure this stuff out without useless preparation. Then again, people continuously prove me wrong in the “figuring stuff out” sector…
208. People who drive faster than me. I (may or may not be…) often pushing the speed limit as it is, so a car’s blowing by me is rather irksome. People around me tend to then attempt to accelerate also, so as to match the Mach 7 the other car is making, and then it’s ME that looks like the moron.
209. People who drive slower than me. Come on. I have places to get to, sights to see, people to meet, and what have you. I’d kind of like to get to my destinations in a timely manner. There’s a long thin thing right by your right foot… let me recommend putting your foot on it. So drive a bit faster, jerk. But it damn well better not be any faster than me.
210. Settlement hearings after car accidents. I’m suddenly in a position to have full control over the amount of money I ask for and I have to balance between being a complete tool and asking for more money than might otherwise be warranted or be a milquetoast and settle for a small sum. This is made even more difficult by the fact that the other guy did, in fact, admit liability to his insurance company. I’ll figure it out… but it’s really freaking annoying.
211. Costco. I seriously can’t think of any other store on the planet that has every single thing imaginable… except for the things you’re looking for. All of their socks are too small for me, while all of their pants are too large, etc, etc. The one closest to my house has responded to an overcrowding situation by removing space from the parking lot and diverting to… a Costco gas station. Really…
212. When basketball players shoot significantly after a whistle is blown. Like most things professional sports players do, this accomplishes absolutely nothing. Either the shot is made and doesn’t count anyway, bringing you to look like an idiot, or you miss it entirely, bringing you to look like an idiot. You’ve got quite a choice there.
213. People who don’t have the forthrightness to say “no” when asked to do something that they find undesirable. If you are so spineless as to be unable to deny, then you’re on a crash course for nothing good. If you accept merely to spare the feelings of said person, you’re violating #76 (which is worse than Fun-Sized Candies, mind you.) If you refuse to deny based on an opportunity to divisively swing it into your favor, then that’s a whole other animal.
214. People who rely only assumptions of intention as their grounds for a given action. Perhaps it’s just me, but I live by analyzing situations based on all of the information I can get, thinking things through, and then evaluating everything to arrive at an optimum course of action. Yes, I can imagine a quick assumption to be necessary in cases of, say, assault… but use your heads, people.
215. All of the AIM bots that randomly add themselves to my friends list. I don’t care about any of this celebrity garbage that has been floating around as these bots’ “status messages”. I know I can just delete them, but that would entail acknowledgement that it doesn’t warrant.
216. Speaking of which, people who post random song lyrics that have nothing to do with their mood whatsoever. A status message is *generally* for notifying people of… um… your status. That’s nice that you can copy and paste, but try saying something meaningful. Yes, I know I’m guilty of posting lyrics as my status message, but those lyrics match my thoughts damn well when I do it.
217. When words are pluralized with apostrophes. No! Bad! Who taught you this? Apostrophes are used for possession or to form contractions. There’s already something that pluralizes most words rather nicely. Now introducing… the letter ‘s’! If you’re feeling particularly smug, use an ‘i’ with –us words, but you’d better do that correctly too.
218. Douchebags who arrive ridiculously late to designated meeting places for large groups, thus holding everybody else up. Fifteen, twenty minutes tops, can somewhat permissible, but only given good reason. I can see it now… somebody is going to arrive 45 minutes late to the airport for the Hawaii trip, we’ll all be waiting for them, and it’s somehow going to be taken out on all of us.
219. On that note, people who, when going through airport security, decide it would be just hilarious if they make some joke incriminating themselves or somebody in their group as an intended bomber or hijacker. This brings in two areas of idiocy: the first being the person who made the joke him/herself and then getting all indignant when the personnel do their job and detain them and the personnel themselves who just go even more overboard with their needlessly convoluted security measures.
220. People who take “which *blah* are you?” or “what does your *blah* say about you?” quizzes seriously. It’s not so much the quizzes that annoy me (they’re great time killers) as when people actually take heed of the result itself. No, it’s not “zOMG so scaryyyy!” when it apparently matches some aspect of your character. It’s spewing out general statements that can be applied to anything.
221. Getting “stuck” in a webpage and having to repeatedly click the back button. I don’t have the foggiest notion of why this happens when it does, but it really does give off the impression that the page is actively imprisoning you. Of course, when eventually you do mash the button 15 times in a row, it works, but then it rockets you way back in your browser. I already have stupid people holding me at bay. I don’t need stupid web pages doing it too.
222. “No offense.” Yes, I’m aware that it’s the way to say “I’m going to offer some criticism, but I’m trying not to make it too mean-spirited,” but just saying “no offense” does absolutely nothing in the long run. Think about it. You’re requesting somebody to not take offense at a statement. Even if they didn’t want to take offense at it, they can’t freakin’ control it. No offense, English; I think you need better idioms.
223. The fact that m4p files (purchased iTunes files) are nearly impossible to negotiate and use for data purposes once you’ve bought them. Backing up the files is one big annoyance. More annoying is attempting to put the songs through an audio editor to merge songs that are to be treated as one composition. Of course, there is no easy way to just convert the files. That would be convenient.
224. When gum starts to dissolve in your mouth. I personally enjoy chewing gum even long after the initial flavor disappears, if only for giving my jaws something to do. Of course though, many gums crack down on these “freeloaders” by only giving them a life of about 2 hours or so before they just start disintegrating entirely. Marketing tactics. I know. Let’s move on now.
225. Ask Jeeves. Quite possibly the most stupidly formatted search engine on the face of the internet. All it does it encourage you to unnecessarily flesh out your search terms into full questions. When you do actually do this, it proceeds to throw out all the unnecessary conjunctions and such anyway. Oftentimes, it begins excising important words too. Congratulations. Your search returned useless results.
226. People who use positions of perceived power to be condescending assholes. This happens all the time. Somebody, say, a YMCA staff member for instance, takes it upon themselves to, because a large group of, say, high school seniors, want to make the best of their last week together, put as much of a damper on them as they can with needless rules and ridiculous regulations. “Adults only”? We’re 18. Kindly take a long walk off a short pier.
227. People who, rather than saying “um…” or whatever when stopping mid-sentence, drop the f-bomb multiple times as their “thinking” word. This, as well as most other things you do probably, just gives off the impression that you’re an idiot. Ooh! Look at me! I can say societally unacceptable words off the cuff! Good for you. Doesn’t make you sound any like any less of an imbecile.
228. On the other hand, people who take the f-bomb too seriously. When it comes down to it, it really is just a word, people. Oftentimes it is the best and most efficient way to express deep consternation. Sure, it shouldn’t be thrown around among small children, but many people really do need to relax about this word. That’s all it is. A word. Words are scary, aren’t they…
229. When an error page is generated not for the website you’re actually trying to access itself, but for an error caused by an ad embedded in the page. It’s almost understandable when, for whatever reason, a server actually integral to the webpage fails, but when you are redirected due to an error in an ad that you don’t want there as it is, well, it pisses me off.
230. Long-winded people in general. I’m a very big proponent of saying things concisely and getting the point across. However, there are people who go on and on about pure crap that doesn’t have any bearing to the point or instruction they are trying to give. I don’t give a hoot what the wind speed is in Los Angeles, Mr. Pilot guy. I want you to shut up so the TV in front of me unfreezes.
231. Buses. They’re way bigger than they need to be, go 15 miles per hour under the speed limit and seem to manage to take out multiple lanes when they’re loading passengers. I’m fine with public transportation, but these things are just freakin’ annoying. Plus, it ends in “us”, so I think the plural shouldn’t be “buses”. It should be “bi,” dammit.
232. When something vaguely tragic occurs and every single news media imaginable dedicates 385 years to it. The Air France thing is awful, that’s a given, but it’s time to move on. Enough is enough. I’m sure there are more important things to be airing. Perhaps swine flu. Oh… wait…
233. Plugs that go into wall sockets that have “frames” that obscure the other “port” of the socket. I’m fairly sure that no matter what sort of circuitry we’re dealing with, it can be reasonably fit into a space that only takes an amount of room that doesn’t require me to start unplugging all the stuff I actually need. I shouldn’t have to unplug my bloody alarm clock to get my cell phone charged.
234. When entire albums that I really want to get are leaked on the internet before their release date. I’ve been trying to be better about buying my music lately and this really doesn’t help matters. I could always just download the album early and resolve to actually buy it upon the release date, but I know I probably won’t eventually want to use the energy to go out and buy music I already have.
235. The fact that I tend to lose a crapload of weight when I get sick. I’ve been trying to gain weight for awhile now, but it seems whenever I cross 130 (pounds, not kilograms…), I get sick and wind up back under 120 within a matter of days. This just results in my not having had any net weight gain for all of high school, which is rather pathetic, considering I’ve grown 6 inches in that time period.
236. People who complain of having a fever when their temperature is below 100 degrees (once again, Fahrenheit, not Celcius, metric people). I don’t care what you say; you could say you’re sick on account of coughing, nausea, or whatever, but a temperature of 99.4 or something does not constitute a fever or even remote sickness for that matter. You’re 0.8 degrees warmer than normal. Oooooh! Get the death bed ready! Seriously, people…
237. People who have their phone conversations really loudly in public to try to sound interesting. I have absolutely no interest in what you’re blabbing about to whoever the hell is on the other end, but I’m fairly sure it’s a lot less important than you’re trying to make it. Kindly shut up. If you’ve already sunk to this level, people certainly aren’t going to find you interesting when you do ANYTHING, let alone this.
238. “Pop” music. This is probably the most meaningless genre of music on the planet (even more so than ‘alternative’ rock, see #82). Apparently it’s supposed to indicate “popular music that isn’t quite hip-hop (as if that wasn’t awful enough).” Popular by what standard? Who’s deciding these things? And why is the music still absolute garbage with overly simplistic, obnoxious, and downright stupid motifs that make me want to throw stuff? I have a better name for it: Crap.
239. Movie theaters (not “theatres”... see #34) that find it necessary to blast the sound to levels much louder than necessary to experience the movies. There are parts that are clearly supposed to be quiet in many movies, yet the speakers are still spitting out seepage at 110 decibels. We’re not deaf. If we were, we’d be at a theater that gave us freaking subtitles.
240. The fact that at age 18 in the United States, one can be arrested for a whole world of ‘adult’ things, but still not have control over what substances one puts into his/her body under the eyes of the law. I’m certainly not a big alcohol-type person (see #180), but still, this is ridiculous. I know plenty of 18-year-olds (and even younger) who are significantly more responsible in this regard than many “full adults.” The inconsistencies and irreconcilabilities within the legal system are quite shocking at times when taken from the perspective of somebody moderately sane.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Things That Piss Me Off, #171-200
171. People who abbreviate “et cetera” as “ect.” Unless you actually mean “Electroconvulsive Therapy”, “ect.” means absolutely nothing. I propose that anybody who uses “ect.” in place of “etc.” should be subjected to ECT. I guarantee they’ll never make THAT mistake again…
172. Occasionally, when I’m on the computer, my finger slips somehow or other and causes something to happen that’s really freaking hard to reverse. For example, my finger has slipped numerous times, causing the taskbar at the bottom to suddenly flip to the left side of the screen. Needless to say, this is really annoying… and is made even more annoying when I can’t figure out how to fix it back.
173. DDR. I don’t mind the game all that much in itself, but to call the motions required for that game “dancing” is a huge stretch at best and a blatant misnomer at worst. Seriously… what would you say if you saw somebody dancing like that independent of the game? It would probably prompt me to throw stuff at them… which would FORCE them to move their legs arythmically like an idiot.
174. People who use “rape” as a positive adjective. This started, where I live at least, toward the beginning of 2009, and I find it nothing short of horrid. Rape is not positive, but rather a blatant violation of basic humanity. Beating somebody in a video game is not “rape” and I flat-out don’t want to ever hear it in that context or any other context that suggests a positive word. Capisce?
175. Those signs on freeways that say how long it takes to get to other freeways at the current conditions. These only result in people actually slowing down so they can read the signs. Of course, this makes the signs inaccurate, because people are too stupid to just glance briefly and keep going, thus taking them longer. Not to mention, it makes me feel a little guilty when I make what is suggested to be a 20-minute trek in fourteen…
176. Amusement parks that purposely have deceptively shaped lines, thus duping people into believing a 3-hour line is “not that bad.” Disneyland is a big culprit in this. Magic Mountain, on the other hand, actually has their lines shaped in such a way so that pretty much anybody can tell how long a line is from outside the ride. Not to mention, those rides are often actually worth waiting for…
177. How, more often than not, “haha” and “lol” do not necessarily follow anything funny, but merely acknowledge, “what I just said is rather awkward when said independently, so here’s some space-filling stuff that distracts from it.” Even I am guilty of using them in this manner, and I’m not so much angry with people who do it, but rather into what the terms have evolved.
178. Having to repeat an explanation numerous times to different people. Yes, I know you do indeed want to know why something happened or why I did something, but I really wish I could just wear a sign that says it so I can spare myself the repetitive explanation. Of course, the one time I tried this, I had to explain why I was wearing a sign multiple times…
179. People who, when looking through my iPod, say “Ewww… why do you haveon your iPod?” Maybe, just possibly, it is because I like their music and don’t find it particularly interesting to conform to your tastes. Why can’t people think of the answers to things and how a similar question directed at them could be answered before they say them? It would make things a lot better for everybody…
180. Peer pressure of any sort. It’s really just stupid. When somebody comes up to me essentially saying, "here's this liquid that will slowly rot your liver and may make you appear to be a total asshole; you’ll also want to fight everybody, and if you drive, you’ll probably die; DRINK IT!" I look at them like they’re an idiot and refuse. Yet this makes ME the stupid one. Grrr…
181. When, in restaurants, two adults (usually as a couple), actually feed each other food from their respective plates. If it’s a mother and her child, or something like that, I could understand this, but between two grown adults, it’s unnerving to no end. If you want each others’ food so bad, just ask politely and parcel a bit off of their plate and onto yours before I stick that fork in your eye. (Any references to number 54 will be forcefully ignored.)
182. Speaking of which, I’m aware I’m not hungry very often, but when I am… well… I’m freaking hungry. Thus, when you attempt to act all sneaky to take food off of my plate for yourself, I find that rather annoying, even if you’re just trying to be funny. If you truly want a bit of my food, just ask. In all likelihood, I’ll give you a generous portion.
183. When people say “You’ll die!” when referring to showing me something humorous. I know fully well that they’ve merely truncated the idiom “You’ll die laughing”, but to any outsider, “You’ll die!” is hardly incentive to do anything, let alone go out of my way to click on a link or something equally arduous.
184. How pretty much every single double-vinyl album from the 1970s is something like two minutes too long to burn onto a single modern CD. Physical Graffiti (Led Zeppelin, of course), for example, is a freaking kickass album, but I always have to split it into the two disks anyway because the album is collectively 82 minutes, which doesn’t work well on an 80 minute CD. I could take one song off, in theory, but…
185. People who have complete lack of regard for the album structure of music. Most musical artists arrange their songs the way they do on purpose, with the intention for the listener to digest the ENTIRE ALBUM. This is why iTunes kills me… the selling and/or buying of individual tracks goes basically against my religion when it comes to music. If an artist actually only has one or two good tracks on a full album, then they’re quite frankly not worth anybody’s time anyway.
186. People who don’t return e-mails. This one’s rather simple. If I took the time to go out of my way to write something to you, it probably means that I care about you on at least a minimum level that would be necessary to conjure a desire to get in contact with you. For you not to acknowledge this, even if I did something that angered you, is a 200-proof insult. Hell, if your reply e-mail were to only say “Fuck off” I’d still like it a lot better than no answer at all.
187. Having to sneeze or cough while driving. One thing that you learn upon starting to drive pretty early on is that, well, accidents are bad. I’ve had the fortune of avoiding them thus far, but sneezing forces your eyes to close while your body makes a small convulsion. When you’re driving a multi-ton piece of machinery, this isn’t exactly the greatest thing to have your body be doing.
188. How, all too often, when there are long stretches of nothing going on (i.e. during breaks), people usually take the initiative to all plan separate events for the exact same time. This Friday for example, I have to be in five places at once (not an exaggeration) and it’s really freaking annoying.
189. Speaking of exaggerations, people who say “overexaggerating.” There’s already a word for saying something to be greater than it is. The word is… “exaggerating.” No “over” about it. People who say “underexaggerating” are slightly more excusable, considering there’s no word that I know of that describes saying something to be less than it is, except perhaps “minimizing,” but that isn’t a precise way to say it.
190. Indecipherable symbols or indicators on technology. On the top of the screen of my cell phone, what should randomly appear but a little (unselectable) icon of… a cup of coffee? Coffee? What the crap is that supposed to mean? Does my phone need caffeine? Or is it going to make me some? Yes, I know I can probably figure out what it means were I to refer to a manual, but they should make it obvious in the first place.
191. When Word assumes you’re typing in a language other than the one that you actually are, prompting lots of red squiggly lines. I swear… just because I typed something once in Spanish, the computer occasionally decides that the English essay that I’m writing is… in Spanish! Then I have to go all the way over and change it back, cause I damn well can’t ignore all that red.
192. People who try to whistle to songs they don’t know. I don’t know if this is a common occurrence in, but I’ve seen it a lot, and it’s really freaking annoying. At the end of the day, all these people are doing are blowing atonal, arrhythmic blasts of air. I know several fish that can do that.
193. When a city claims to be “synching” the traffic lights, so that one can apparently get a greater amount of them green. I don’t care what anybody says, if by Murphy’s Law alone, this is nigh well impossible. The sales tax rate has just been raised to an atrocious 9.25% over here. Fairly inexcusable, if you ask me. Oh? What’s your excuse? Something about synching traffic lights? Well…
194. So many shows along the lines of Oprah and Dr. Phil tend to use fear tactics that exploit common misconceptions among those who are less knowledgeable and it is not only horrid, but pathetic. Dr. Phil, for example, on numerous occasions, has an astoundingly one-sided view on EVERYTHING and any fact or evidence that would suggest otherwise is suddenly unsubstantiated just because he says so. I mean… it’s Dr. Phil… he can’t be wrong… can he? Use your head for something other than a hat rack.
195. Without fail, it seems iPods seem to run out of batteries with something like two minutes to go in an album. Is it not enough that iPods have a battery life of about two minutes as it is? I’m not sure if this is a common occurrence with any of you, but it happens more often than even the Law of Large Numbers would suggest. And it’s quite obnoxious, mind you.
196. The various supposed “leagues” and “societies” for merit in high school students. I probably got e-mails from a half-dozen of these “societies” last year and this year, and I joined a grand total of zero of them when I saw I had to pay to have my name buried in some registry. Oftentimes, these can even be scams! Oh no! I didn’t join any Honors Societies. Guess that means I’m screwed for college. Oh. Wait…
197. How the “automatic word-completer” thing for texting on most cell phones has absolutely no logic of context or even basic syntax. Context I could see being a bit burdensome to program, but I could fairly easy program a device that would at least be able to suggest words based on placement and position in the sentence, rather than pulling them out of the proverbial gludeus maximus. For example, when I input “to”, for the next word, it’s beyond me when it suggests anything other than a verb. Then again, based on the way most people text, anything goes, I suppose…
198. That goddamn ‘StickyKeys’ message that comes up when you hold the “Shift” button for too long or press it 5 times. I can’t even see how it could possibly be useful… at all. It probably wouldn’t annoy me nearly as much were it not for the fact that, despite my speakers being broken, the accompanying squeak still manages to make itself heard. (If you use Windows and tried pressing shift 5 times for yourself, raise your hand. Don’t lie…)
199. How many news shows on major television stations play a shockingly high amount of material that just flat-out ISN’T NEWS. Such things as human-interest stories (which are about as aptly named as Fun-Sized Candies) have no place in news shows, but rather should be parceled out for some other trash. I turned the TV on so I could hear what’s happening in the world… not for a kid who, despite ‘adversity,’ managed to learn how to play the guitar, say the alphabet backwards, and play tennis simultaneously, or whatever.
200. In recent months, I’ve become increasingly aware of an unnamed social networking tool that is nothing but bad news. It is extremely volatile to people’s lives, often consuming what would have otherwise been up to a third (and occasionally more) of that of any given person. More and more lately, in its notorious “news feeds” personalized for the hapless user, stalking is inherently brought upon, and even encouraged, forcing people’s entire conversations onto his/her eyes, each having absolutely nothing to do with the user in question. It furthers this stalker-training agenda by not only facilitating peeking on the private words of others, but inhibiting the user’s own conversations with its chat application, which fails fundamentally in maintaining conversations, luring the person away once again from his/her own business. I’m not entirely sure why the proper authorities have continued to maintain a blind eye toward this monster, but it needs to be stopped. Fast.
172. Occasionally, when I’m on the computer, my finger slips somehow or other and causes something to happen that’s really freaking hard to reverse. For example, my finger has slipped numerous times, causing the taskbar at the bottom to suddenly flip to the left side of the screen. Needless to say, this is really annoying… and is made even more annoying when I can’t figure out how to fix it back.
173. DDR. I don’t mind the game all that much in itself, but to call the motions required for that game “dancing” is a huge stretch at best and a blatant misnomer at worst. Seriously… what would you say if you saw somebody dancing like that independent of the game? It would probably prompt me to throw stuff at them… which would FORCE them to move their legs arythmically like an idiot.
174. People who use “rape” as a positive adjective. This started, where I live at least, toward the beginning of 2009, and I find it nothing short of horrid. Rape is not positive, but rather a blatant violation of basic humanity. Beating somebody in a video game is not “rape” and I flat-out don’t want to ever hear it in that context or any other context that suggests a positive word. Capisce?
175. Those signs on freeways that say how long it takes to get to other freeways at the current conditions. These only result in people actually slowing down so they can read the signs. Of course, this makes the signs inaccurate, because people are too stupid to just glance briefly and keep going, thus taking them longer. Not to mention, it makes me feel a little guilty when I make what is suggested to be a 20-minute trek in fourteen…
176. Amusement parks that purposely have deceptively shaped lines, thus duping people into believing a 3-hour line is “not that bad.” Disneyland is a big culprit in this. Magic Mountain, on the other hand, actually has their lines shaped in such a way so that pretty much anybody can tell how long a line is from outside the ride. Not to mention, those rides are often actually worth waiting for…
177. How, more often than not, “haha” and “lol” do not necessarily follow anything funny, but merely acknowledge, “what I just said is rather awkward when said independently, so here’s some space-filling stuff that distracts from it.” Even I am guilty of using them in this manner, and I’m not so much angry with people who do it, but rather into what the terms have evolved.
178. Having to repeat an explanation numerous times to different people. Yes, I know you do indeed want to know why something happened or why I did something, but I really wish I could just wear a sign that says it so I can spare myself the repetitive explanation. Of course, the one time I tried this, I had to explain why I was wearing a sign multiple times…
179. People who, when looking through my iPod, say “Ewww… why do you have
180. Peer pressure of any sort. It’s really just stupid. When somebody comes up to me essentially saying, "here's this liquid that will slowly rot your liver and may make you appear to be a total asshole; you’ll also want to fight everybody, and if you drive, you’ll probably die; DRINK IT!" I look at them like they’re an idiot and refuse. Yet this makes ME the stupid one. Grrr…
181. When, in restaurants, two adults (usually as a couple), actually feed each other food from their respective plates. If it’s a mother and her child, or something like that, I could understand this, but between two grown adults, it’s unnerving to no end. If you want each others’ food so bad, just ask politely and parcel a bit off of their plate and onto yours before I stick that fork in your eye. (Any references to number 54 will be forcefully ignored.)
182. Speaking of which, I’m aware I’m not hungry very often, but when I am… well… I’m freaking hungry. Thus, when you attempt to act all sneaky to take food off of my plate for yourself, I find that rather annoying, even if you’re just trying to be funny. If you truly want a bit of my food, just ask. In all likelihood, I’ll give you a generous portion.
183. When people say “You’ll die!” when referring to showing me something humorous. I know fully well that they’ve merely truncated the idiom “You’ll die laughing”, but to any outsider, “You’ll die!” is hardly incentive to do anything, let alone go out of my way to click on a link or something equally arduous.
184. How pretty much every single double-vinyl album from the 1970s is something like two minutes too long to burn onto a single modern CD. Physical Graffiti (Led Zeppelin, of course), for example, is a freaking kickass album, but I always have to split it into the two disks anyway because the album is collectively 82 minutes, which doesn’t work well on an 80 minute CD. I could take one song off, in theory, but…
185. People who have complete lack of regard for the album structure of music. Most musical artists arrange their songs the way they do on purpose, with the intention for the listener to digest the ENTIRE ALBUM. This is why iTunes kills me… the selling and/or buying of individual tracks goes basically against my religion when it comes to music. If an artist actually only has one or two good tracks on a full album, then they’re quite frankly not worth anybody’s time anyway.
186. People who don’t return e-mails. This one’s rather simple. If I took the time to go out of my way to write something to you, it probably means that I care about you on at least a minimum level that would be necessary to conjure a desire to get in contact with you. For you not to acknowledge this, even if I did something that angered you, is a 200-proof insult. Hell, if your reply e-mail were to only say “Fuck off” I’d still like it a lot better than no answer at all.
187. Having to sneeze or cough while driving. One thing that you learn upon starting to drive pretty early on is that, well, accidents are bad. I’ve had the fortune of avoiding them thus far, but sneezing forces your eyes to close while your body makes a small convulsion. When you’re driving a multi-ton piece of machinery, this isn’t exactly the greatest thing to have your body be doing.
188. How, all too often, when there are long stretches of nothing going on (i.e. during breaks), people usually take the initiative to all plan separate events for the exact same time. This Friday for example, I have to be in five places at once (not an exaggeration) and it’s really freaking annoying.
189. Speaking of exaggerations, people who say “overexaggerating.” There’s already a word for saying something to be greater than it is. The word is… “exaggerating.” No “over” about it. People who say “underexaggerating” are slightly more excusable, considering there’s no word that I know of that describes saying something to be less than it is, except perhaps “minimizing,” but that isn’t a precise way to say it.
190. Indecipherable symbols or indicators on technology. On the top of the screen of my cell phone, what should randomly appear but a little (unselectable) icon of… a cup of coffee? Coffee? What the crap is that supposed to mean? Does my phone need caffeine? Or is it going to make me some? Yes, I know I can probably figure out what it means were I to refer to a manual, but they should make it obvious in the first place.
191. When Word assumes you’re typing in a language other than the one that you actually are, prompting lots of red squiggly lines. I swear… just because I typed something once in Spanish, the computer occasionally decides that the English essay that I’m writing is… in Spanish! Then I have to go all the way over and change it back, cause I damn well can’t ignore all that red.
192. People who try to whistle to songs they don’t know. I don’t know if this is a common occurrence in
193. When a city claims to be “synching” the traffic lights, so that one can apparently get a greater amount of them green. I don’t care what anybody says, if by Murphy’s Law alone, this is nigh well impossible. The sales tax rate has just been raised to an atrocious 9.25% over here. Fairly inexcusable, if you ask me. Oh? What’s your excuse? Something about synching traffic lights? Well…
194. So many shows along the lines of Oprah and Dr. Phil tend to use fear tactics that exploit common misconceptions among those who are less knowledgeable and it is not only horrid, but pathetic. Dr. Phil, for example, on numerous occasions, has an astoundingly one-sided view on EVERYTHING and any fact or evidence that would suggest otherwise is suddenly unsubstantiated just because he says so. I mean… it’s Dr. Phil… he can’t be wrong… can he? Use your head for something other than a hat rack.
195. Without fail, it seems iPods seem to run out of batteries with something like two minutes to go in an album. Is it not enough that iPods have a battery life of about two minutes as it is? I’m not sure if this is a common occurrence with any of you, but it happens more often than even the Law of Large Numbers would suggest. And it’s quite obnoxious, mind you.
196. The various supposed “leagues” and “societies” for merit in high school students. I probably got e-mails from a half-dozen of these “societies” last year and this year, and I joined a grand total of zero of them when I saw I had to pay to have my name buried in some registry. Oftentimes, these can even be scams! Oh no! I didn’t join any Honors Societies. Guess that means I’m screwed for college. Oh. Wait…
197. How the “automatic word-completer” thing for texting on most cell phones has absolutely no logic of context or even basic syntax. Context I could see being a bit burdensome to program, but I could fairly easy program a device that would at least be able to suggest words based on placement and position in the sentence, rather than pulling them out of the proverbial gludeus maximus. For example, when I input “to”, for the next word, it’s beyond me when it suggests anything other than a verb. Then again, based on the way most people text, anything goes, I suppose…
198. That goddamn ‘StickyKeys’ message that comes up when you hold the “Shift” button for too long or press it 5 times. I can’t even see how it could possibly be useful… at all. It probably wouldn’t annoy me nearly as much were it not for the fact that, despite my speakers being broken, the accompanying squeak still manages to make itself heard. (If you use Windows and tried pressing shift 5 times for yourself, raise your hand. Don’t lie…)
199. How many news shows on major television stations play a shockingly high amount of material that just flat-out ISN’T NEWS. Such things as human-interest stories (which are about as aptly named as Fun-Sized Candies) have no place in news shows, but rather should be parceled out for some other trash. I turned the TV on so I could hear what’s happening in the world… not for a kid who, despite ‘adversity,’ managed to learn how to play the guitar, say the alphabet backwards, and play tennis simultaneously, or whatever.
200. In recent months, I’ve become increasingly aware of an unnamed social networking tool that is nothing but bad news. It is extremely volatile to people’s lives, often consuming what would have otherwise been up to a third (and occasionally more) of that of any given person. More and more lately, in its notorious “news feeds” personalized for the hapless user, stalking is inherently brought upon, and even encouraged, forcing people’s entire conversations onto his/her eyes, each having absolutely nothing to do with the user in question. It furthers this stalker-training agenda by not only facilitating peeking on the private words of others, but inhibiting the user’s own conversations with its chat application, which fails fundamentally in maintaining conversations, luring the person away once again from his/her own business. I’m not entirely sure why the proper authorities have continued to maintain a blind eye toward this monster, but it needs to be stopped. Fast.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Things That Piss Me Off, #151-170
151. People who yawn loudly. You’ve heard them… they make it a point to go “wuaaahhhh” while yawning rather than doing it silently like a normal person. One would think it would be easier to not have to exert the force on your vocal cords to yawn at 629 decibels… but no…
152. “Scandal” when it’s relating to celebrities. The word actually had meaning at one point… it indicated a prominent political figure’s particularly shocking disservice or disregard for duties, usually for personal advancement or gain. When it’s applied to people with two-digit IQs that I don’t care about, I call verbicide.
153. The timing of commercials in general. I can’t really argue with the fact that it’s good marketing tactics, but do they really have to place commercials right when things get remotely interesting? Even worse is when a show is slated to start at, say, 9:00 and it doesn’t start until 9:06 due to commercials. No excuse there…
154. People who wait until they reach they’re rung up at the cash register to realize they don’t have sufficient cash. When you’re in front of me, I don’t want you blathering on about being a dollar short, shifting about aimlessly as if something’s going to get done. Is it really so hard to do basic math? No, they’re not going to let you go. Yes, you have to put something back. Go. Now.
155. People who ask questions after an explanation clearly addresses them. Recently, I was in an elevator that, for whatever reason, had an operator. He called out “to the ground floor” a good half-dozen times. When we get all the way down and the doors open, some idiot asks, “Is this the bottom floor?” No, it’s Botswana. Maybe you should get off here so that everybody who has had the misfortune of coming across you doesn’t have to deal with you anymore.
156. Bling. I would call it pretentious, but wearing a few kilograms of cubic zirconia on your appendages and neck is hardly flaunting wealth. At the end of the day, it just makes you look ridiculous. If it’s for some sort of validation, then there’s not much that can help you.
157. Those advertisements for IQ tests that are appearing more and more often on the sides of websites. Not only are they perpetuating numerous misconceptions about IQ in general with the stupid test attached, as well as perpetuating unclear and unconfirmed IQ’s of various people, but now they’re advertising IQ’s of fictional characters. Peter Griffin's IQ is not 73. It’s 0.
158. People who put emphasis on words by repeating the last letter a bunch of times. I’m aware that the internet often limits the full expression that people may want, but stressing words like thisssssssss only makes me think you have a speech impediment. There’s a little thing called punctuation for that.
159. People who deliberately misspell things in advertising 'to be cute’ or 'attract customers.' It's one thing if you're writing someone and it is a pun, but elsewhere, the only kind of customer you're going to get is a seething, foaming at the mouth customer armed with Eats, Shoots, and Leaves. (This one might look a tad familiar...)
160. People who say, “Do you know what pisses me off… people who make lists about things that piss them off,” when I talk about this list. Do you really think you’re original? Screw you.
161. Blind corners of any kind. When I’m turning a corner on my way to class with my arms full of books, the LAST thing I’m expecting is somebody to be turning around the same corner in the opposite direction, coming within an inch of colliding with me. Of course, somehow, it’s always MY fault too.
162. Cars that, either due to size or incompetence, have the need to block off the right turn lane at a red light so I can’t get by them. Usually, I’d have no reservations about hitting you, but unfortunately, there are a few laws against that. I’m fairly convinced that a good 2/3 of the drivers on the road at any given time would NOT be able to pass the driving test were a DMV person to fall from the sky and into the passenger seat… somehow…
163. While on that subject, people who walk in the middle of the road in traffic, seemingly for the sole purpose of impeding movement. They might be trying to make a point – or perhaps they’re just unaware that they’re in the middle of the street, but please move before I just step on the gas anyway.
164. People who exclaim “I can play that song on Guitar Hero!” when a song either comes on or is talked about. Don’t get me wrong… Guitar Hero is awesome, but it’s not all that impressive. Oooh! You can press plastic buttons! So can I, actually. I’m an Expert plastic button pusher. You don’t see me bragging about that every time Freebird comes on…
165. People who can’t fathom hypothetical situations. If I pose an idea, asking somebody to suppose something that may not necessarily be true yet in real life, if you reply with “That’s not true, so it can’t happen,” you’re not being clever. Yes, I knew that, thank you. Now if you had an iota of intelligence in your body... oh wait… “That can’t happen,” you’d say.
166. People who take pictures of others against their will. I honestly don’t give a crap what I look like in pictures for the most part, but on sheer principle, it’s just obnoxious if you’re taking pictures of people if they’re sleeping, doing something else that diverts their attention away from you, or something else along those lines. Worse yet if it’s a video…
167. During finals or any test at all, how whenever anybody sneezes, there’s a 30-second chorus of “Bless you” and “Thank you” before everybody can recommence working. It’s more distracting than anything, and, as always, accomplishes nothing. I pose the following: at the beginning of a test, everybody is automatically “blessed” and thus need not worry about your soul being blown out of your nose. Deal?
168. When people sign out of AIM or a similar instant messaging system randomly, be it on their own volition or not, in mid-conversation without warning. This makes me immediately think I’ve done something horribly wrong and offensive. Yes, I know sometimes it’s out of your control and such, but please, try to squeeze a brief valediction in there, lest I tear my hair out trying to think of how I may have screwed up. (And as always, if I DID do something wrong, I invoke #76.)
169. People who automatically crack up anytime someone says the word 'balls.' Balls are round, often bouncy objects that children play with… not male genitalia. Do you support children indiscriminately playing with male genitalia? I didn’t think so…
170. People who have never heard of Caltech. When I would tell people that I wanted to go to Caltech (and now that I am going to Caltech), I would sometimes get the response “Isn’t that that school that you hear about on TV all the time?” No. That would be ITT Tech. Slight difference, there.
152. “Scandal” when it’s relating to celebrities. The word actually had meaning at one point… it indicated a prominent political figure’s particularly shocking disservice or disregard for duties, usually for personal advancement or gain. When it’s applied to people with two-digit IQs that I don’t care about, I call verbicide.
153. The timing of commercials in general. I can’t really argue with the fact that it’s good marketing tactics, but do they really have to place commercials right when things get remotely interesting? Even worse is when a show is slated to start at, say, 9:00 and it doesn’t start until 9:06 due to commercials. No excuse there…
154. People who wait until they reach they’re rung up at the cash register to realize they don’t have sufficient cash. When you’re in front of me, I don’t want you blathering on about being a dollar short, shifting about aimlessly as if something’s going to get done. Is it really so hard to do basic math? No, they’re not going to let you go. Yes, you have to put something back. Go. Now.
155. People who ask questions after an explanation clearly addresses them. Recently, I was in an elevator that, for whatever reason, had an operator. He called out “to the ground floor” a good half-dozen times. When we get all the way down and the doors open, some idiot asks, “Is this the bottom floor?” No, it’s Botswana. Maybe you should get off here so that everybody who has had the misfortune of coming across you doesn’t have to deal with you anymore.
156. Bling. I would call it pretentious, but wearing a few kilograms of cubic zirconia on your appendages and neck is hardly flaunting wealth. At the end of the day, it just makes you look ridiculous. If it’s for some sort of validation, then there’s not much that can help you.
157. Those advertisements for IQ tests that are appearing more and more often on the sides of websites. Not only are they perpetuating numerous misconceptions about IQ in general with the stupid test attached, as well as perpetuating unclear and unconfirmed IQ’s of various people, but now they’re advertising IQ’s of fictional characters. Peter Griffin's IQ is not 73. It’s 0.
158. People who put emphasis on words by repeating the last letter a bunch of times. I’m aware that the internet often limits the full expression that people may want, but stressing words like thisssssssss only makes me think you have a speech impediment. There’s a little thing called punctuation for that.
159. People who deliberately misspell things in advertising 'to be cute’ or 'attract customers.' It's one thing if you're writing someone and it is a pun, but elsewhere, the only kind of customer you're going to get is a seething, foaming at the mouth customer armed with Eats, Shoots, and Leaves. (This one might look a tad familiar...)
160. People who say, “Do you know what pisses me off… people who make lists about things that piss them off,” when I talk about this list. Do you really think you’re original? Screw you.
161. Blind corners of any kind. When I’m turning a corner on my way to class with my arms full of books, the LAST thing I’m expecting is somebody to be turning around the same corner in the opposite direction, coming within an inch of colliding with me. Of course, somehow, it’s always MY fault too.
162. Cars that, either due to size or incompetence, have the need to block off the right turn lane at a red light so I can’t get by them. Usually, I’d have no reservations about hitting you, but unfortunately, there are a few laws against that. I’m fairly convinced that a good 2/3 of the drivers on the road at any given time would NOT be able to pass the driving test were a DMV person to fall from the sky and into the passenger seat… somehow…
163. While on that subject, people who walk in the middle of the road in traffic, seemingly for the sole purpose of impeding movement. They might be trying to make a point – or perhaps they’re just unaware that they’re in the middle of the street, but please move before I just step on the gas anyway.
164. People who exclaim “I can play that song on Guitar Hero!” when a song either comes on or is talked about. Don’t get me wrong… Guitar Hero is awesome, but it’s not all that impressive. Oooh! You can press plastic buttons! So can I, actually. I’m an Expert plastic button pusher. You don’t see me bragging about that every time Freebird comes on…
165. People who can’t fathom hypothetical situations. If I pose an idea, asking somebody to suppose something that may not necessarily be true yet in real life, if you reply with “That’s not true, so it can’t happen,” you’re not being clever. Yes, I knew that, thank you. Now if you had an iota of intelligence in your body... oh wait… “That can’t happen,” you’d say.
166. People who take pictures of others against their will. I honestly don’t give a crap what I look like in pictures for the most part, but on sheer principle, it’s just obnoxious if you’re taking pictures of people if they’re sleeping, doing something else that diverts their attention away from you, or something else along those lines. Worse yet if it’s a video…
167. During finals or any test at all, how whenever anybody sneezes, there’s a 30-second chorus of “Bless you” and “Thank you” before everybody can recommence working. It’s more distracting than anything, and, as always, accomplishes nothing. I pose the following: at the beginning of a test, everybody is automatically “blessed” and thus need not worry about your soul being blown out of your nose. Deal?
168. When people sign out of AIM or a similar instant messaging system randomly, be it on their own volition or not, in mid-conversation without warning. This makes me immediately think I’ve done something horribly wrong and offensive. Yes, I know sometimes it’s out of your control and such, but please, try to squeeze a brief valediction in there, lest I tear my hair out trying to think of how I may have screwed up. (And as always, if I DID do something wrong, I invoke #76.)
169. People who automatically crack up anytime someone says the word 'balls.' Balls are round, often bouncy objects that children play with… not male genitalia. Do you support children indiscriminately playing with male genitalia? I didn’t think so…
170. People who have never heard of Caltech. When I would tell people that I wanted to go to Caltech (and now that I am going to Caltech), I would sometimes get the response “Isn’t that that school that you hear about on TV all the time?” No. That would be ITT Tech. Slight difference, there.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Things That Piss Me Off, #121-150
121. Products that come up with their own ratings to describe them. A prime example is Knudsen “Gold Star Quality” Milk (despite its propensity to feel pain…). ‘Gold Star’… as opposed to what? Silver amorphous blob? What makes it ‘Gold Star’ so? And may I ask what I had been drinking before?
122. People who write “thousands” as “1000s.” The “1” at the front is superfluous, as this would cause it to be read “one thousands”… and nobody says that (unless perhaps if they’re referring to the 11th century.) Does a little bit of extra effort really turn these people off from coherency?
123. Apple in general. Whenever they come out with their new “generation” of iPod, the cheapest ones available still have such gobsmackingly useless amounts of capacity that can hardly be dented by my hardly modest music collection. Will I ever hit 20,000 songs? Maybe… I don’t know. Would I, along with a great many others, have gotten an iPod with 1/3 the capacity for even ½ the price were it available? Absolutely.
124. “Beep if you…” or “Honk if you…” signs on vehicles or other external things. These are just obnoxious and defeat the purpose of having a horn in the first place: to possibly prevent an accident. With horns gong off all around me without warning on the road, I get a little skittish…
125. People who use their texting devices at absolutely any time, without regard for their surroundings. If we’re in a study session or a meal or something, and you get a completely unrelated text from somebody not with us, IT CAN WAIT. I promise it’s not going anywhere and there are people right in front of you that you are already conversing with. If you’re the girl from #52 and I'm tutoring you, then don’t go #70 on me when I pull #77 on you.
126. When it is suggested that I eat when I’m not hungry. Given I’m almost eighteen years old, I’m fairly sure I can figure out and have the willpower to successfully choose when I want to eat and when I don’t, based on actual hunger, rather than arbitrary times set by other people. Yes, I know, I should probably weigh more, but I’ll figure out how to remedy that on my own time…
127. Pointless sequels to movies. It’s our favorite: marketing tactics again! What better way to make more money on a good movie is there than to cash in and make a sequel to it? Quality? Who cares about quality… we get money! Meesa pointless sequel. Meesa only in it for money-dollars.
128. “Baby on Board” signs on cards. I just flat-out have no idea what these even remotely accomplish other than taking up space that you should be looking out of on your back windshield. Your apparent pride for your baby, or perhaps, once again, your mere attempt to assert your fertility, is putting your child at a slight risk… either by obscuring your view or by me ramming into you.
129. Chain letters that “require” you to send some message to x amount of people, or thing y will happen to you if you don’t, and thing z will happen if you do. Really now, people? It baffles me how people buy into this stuff. If it’s something that’s supposed to be funny, then by all means, pass it on to me. But if it’s “the ghost of Roger Maris will hit you with a baseball bat 61 times unless you send this to 61 people” or something, I don’t want to see it.
130. The DMV. Everything about this place pisses me off, really. When it takes 2 hours to get through a line of 6 people for a driver’s test, we have serious issues. Why is there only one person on staff for both check-ups and tests? And why is it that it seems everybody working there waits for me to be at the front of the line until they come out of the woodwork and actually start acting moderately efficient? Bureaucracy… the workers are more concerned with doing everything according to protocol than actually being efficient. It’s stupid.
131. Cashiers who can’t do basic addition and multiplication in their heads. Oftentimes, if the total comes out to $14.77 or something like that, I give the cashier two pennies along with my $15 so I can get a quarter back instead. Too often, having already put in that I paid with $15 exactly, they just stare at me blankly when I offer two more pennies to make it easier for them. No, I don’t want two dimes and five pennies… or even two dimes and a nickel. I want a quarter. Is it really that hard? It doesn’t make any cents. We need change…
132. Overly light throwing around of the term “racist”. This is not a word to be used jokingly. I know you don’t actually believe me to be racist if I say something along the lines of “I prefer blue pens,” but still, it’s quite annoying. The implications of the word are too great for the word to be applied jokingly to things.
133. Accessories for electronics or whatnot that cost more than the thing you’re accessorizing itself. Apparently, they’ve made a titanium iPod case that’s retailing for $800. This just gives way to ostentatious displays of wealth and the true purpose of small-scale customizations of your item is defeated enirely.
134. This fixation people have with Google products. It seems that if you slap a “Google” in front of something, people immediately conceive it as exponentially better. First of all, Google is a search engine. The “new Google web browser”, the “new Google 411 service”, the new Google this, the new Google that… there’s really nothing all that awesome, let alone different from anything it’s “improving upon.” The Google 411 service, for example, is exactly the same thing… yet it’s apparently the greatest thing since sliced bread. Yes, I have tried it. Yes I know it recognizes what you say. So does umm… 411…
135. Similarly, things seem to become more appealing to the populace as a whole when the term “collectible” is stamped upon it. Not only this, it then prompts them to get similar tchotskes for exorbitant amounts of money that cost a fraction of a cent to actually manufacture. Not to mention, it’s always stuff that is prone to become a lot less interesting some four months after you get it. Ooh... it's a piece of cardboard. Nice... it's a special cardboard you say? That's cool that you spent $50 on it... I'll pass, though.
136. Here’s one I’m shocked I haven’t hit yet. People who use numbers as words. I’m alright with acronym use online (so long as you don’t actually SAY them when speaking in person), but numbers as words is where the line is drawn. “4” is a number, not a preposition, although it might double as your IQ. “Gr8” doesn’t mean anything to me. “Br8k” doesn’t even make any sense! (Sidenote: 1337 5p33<, on the other hand, is perfectly acceptable.)
137. People who think destruction or removal of property from its proper place in any form is “funny” as a prank. A trained monkey can pick something up and move it or destroy it just as well, if not better, than you can. Here’s a prank for ya: YOU having to pay for the stuff that YOU screwed up. Sounds fun, right?
138. People who just leave their shopping carts in parking places rather than being courteous enough to bring them back to the racks. This doesn’t accomplish anything other than blocking other people from being able to park, which eventually leads to clogging of the driveway, which eventually leads to accidents. While all of our insurances have to pay for your idiocy, you’re off being morons elsewhere.
139. How virtually every single “horror” film that has been released in the past decade or so has sucked beyond belief. Not only this, but they keep using the same old premises over and over. The common theme is dead people who, mind you, aren’t actually dead and for whatever reason want to take the place of a person who is alive, usually female, aged 16-24, wearing excessive make-up, and skimply clad for at least one scene. I can probably name a dozen films from the 2000s with this exact premise off the top of my head… each of them awful.
140. Teachers who use major tests as “see what you can do with this” opportunities. This defeats the purpose of having a test entirely: to be able to have a measurement of how well you learned the prior material. Using it as an opportunity to say “Gee, they’ve learned a, b, c, and d… let’s see how they deal with a test on d, e, f, g, and h" is quite ridiculous, really. I’m perfectly fine with the idea of such assessments… just not on actual tests, please… especially finals… *shudder*
141. If you want me to sign something, especially if it’s a bill at a restaurant or something that benefits YOU, the least you can do is provide me with a pen that actually functions. A broken writing utensil isn’t going to get either of us anywhere. Besides, why haven’t you already disposed of it before giving it to me? I’ll get rid of it for you alright…
142. If you’re at a grocery market, there’s nothing that annoys me more than people who decide to get a person they’re with to pull their car up to the front door, sparing him/herself from the utter pain and hardship of walking 50 feet. Usually it’s *cough* the rounder ones who do this. Hey! Perhaps that trek might give you a head start in burning those calories…
143. At concerts or other such gatherings, how when the singer/DJ/whatever shouts something along the lines of “How y’all doin?” they are invariably greeted with screams rather than coherency. I know “Quite well, thank you; and yourself?” doesn’t quite flow off the tongue in these instances, but still, if you’re just screaming, it could signify anything from finding a quarter to agonizing pain, for all I know. But of course, saying anything else makes you look like even more of an idiot. . .
144. Drug companies that market medication/pills for made-up “syndromes” and “disorders.” Such false disorders as “Restless Leg Syndrome” not only serve to undermine the medical community as a whole, but also just give people excuses to shove pills down their throats. And don’t even get me started on “A.D.D.”
145. When receipts from stores are a lot bigger than the actual bought items necessitate. When I buy one thing from your store, I don’t need War and Peace in return. Hell, I’m still wondering why they haven’t computerized the whole system yet. Environment. Kind of a nice thing to have around. . .
146. Expiration dates on anything that isn’t food or medication. What exactly is putting an expiration date on some sort of document/license/whatever accomplishing? And how does filling out endless paperwork to renew it have anything to do with keeping the document itself in effect for you?
147. People who talk excessively about a given sport during its off-season. You can talk about baseball all you want while it’s actually happening, but when you’re arguing over which team is the best in the middle of December, or whatever, it’s even more annoying than when you do it during the actual season. I’ll tell you what I’d do with a baseball bat right about now. . .
148. “Everything” Bagels. Don’t get me wrong, I love these things, but the name itself is a little unsavory, don’t you think? Had you never seen one before and you had just heard “Everything” as a Bagel flavor, I’m fairly sure you’d wonder what exactly it would entail. It’s reminiscent of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans, which, as I’m sure you know, can be far from appealing.
149. How is it that I can have a device that can check e-mail, surf the internet, play music, hold countless pictures, play games, keep track of time, and act as a movie player simultaneously and still fit in my palm while we still haven’t figured out a fuel source other than gasoline/oil? I think these luxury items, of sorts, are awesome and I’m certainly not denouncing them, but if half of the marketing tactics and thought that go into these went into alternative fuels, we’d have long since ditched the gas pump.
150. People who tell me I’m bitter… no shit, Sherlock.
122. People who write “thousands” as “1000s.” The “1” at the front is superfluous, as this would cause it to be read “one thousands”… and nobody says that (unless perhaps if they’re referring to the 11th century.) Does a little bit of extra effort really turn these people off from coherency?
123. Apple in general. Whenever they come out with their new “generation” of iPod, the cheapest ones available still have such gobsmackingly useless amounts of capacity that can hardly be dented by my hardly modest music collection. Will I ever hit 20,000 songs? Maybe… I don’t know. Would I, along with a great many others, have gotten an iPod with 1/3 the capacity for even ½ the price were it available? Absolutely.
124. “Beep if you…” or “Honk if you…” signs on vehicles or other external things. These are just obnoxious and defeat the purpose of having a horn in the first place: to possibly prevent an accident. With horns gong off all around me without warning on the road, I get a little skittish…
125. People who use their texting devices at absolutely any time, without regard for their surroundings. If we’re in a study session or a meal or something, and you get a completely unrelated text from somebody not with us, IT CAN WAIT. I promise it’s not going anywhere and there are people right in front of you that you are already conversing with. If you’re the girl from #52 and I'm tutoring you, then don’t go #70 on me when I pull #77 on you.
126. When it is suggested that I eat when I’m not hungry. Given I’m almost eighteen years old, I’m fairly sure I can figure out and have the willpower to successfully choose when I want to eat and when I don’t, based on actual hunger, rather than arbitrary times set by other people. Yes, I know, I should probably weigh more, but I’ll figure out how to remedy that on my own time…
127. Pointless sequels to movies. It’s our favorite: marketing tactics again! What better way to make more money on a good movie is there than to cash in and make a sequel to it? Quality? Who cares about quality… we get money! Meesa pointless sequel. Meesa only in it for money-dollars.
128. “Baby on Board” signs on cards. I just flat-out have no idea what these even remotely accomplish other than taking up space that you should be looking out of on your back windshield. Your apparent pride for your baby, or perhaps, once again, your mere attempt to assert your fertility, is putting your child at a slight risk… either by obscuring your view or by me ramming into you.
129. Chain letters that “require” you to send some message to x amount of people, or thing y will happen to you if you don’t, and thing z will happen if you do. Really now, people? It baffles me how people buy into this stuff. If it’s something that’s supposed to be funny, then by all means, pass it on to me. But if it’s “the ghost of Roger Maris will hit you with a baseball bat 61 times unless you send this to 61 people” or something, I don’t want to see it.
130. The DMV. Everything about this place pisses me off, really. When it takes 2 hours to get through a line of 6 people for a driver’s test, we have serious issues. Why is there only one person on staff for both check-ups and tests? And why is it that it seems everybody working there waits for me to be at the front of the line until they come out of the woodwork and actually start acting moderately efficient? Bureaucracy… the workers are more concerned with doing everything according to protocol than actually being efficient. It’s stupid.
131. Cashiers who can’t do basic addition and multiplication in their heads. Oftentimes, if the total comes out to $14.77 or something like that, I give the cashier two pennies along with my $15 so I can get a quarter back instead. Too often, having already put in that I paid with $15 exactly, they just stare at me blankly when I offer two more pennies to make it easier for them. No, I don’t want two dimes and five pennies… or even two dimes and a nickel. I want a quarter. Is it really that hard? It doesn’t make any cents. We need change…
132. Overly light throwing around of the term “racist”. This is not a word to be used jokingly. I know you don’t actually believe me to be racist if I say something along the lines of “I prefer blue pens,” but still, it’s quite annoying. The implications of the word are too great for the word to be applied jokingly to things.
133. Accessories for electronics or whatnot that cost more than the thing you’re accessorizing itself. Apparently, they’ve made a titanium iPod case that’s retailing for $800. This just gives way to ostentatious displays of wealth and the true purpose of small-scale customizations of your item is defeated enirely.
134. This fixation people have with Google products. It seems that if you slap a “Google” in front of something, people immediately conceive it as exponentially better. First of all, Google is a search engine. The “new Google web browser”, the “new Google 411 service”, the new Google this, the new Google that… there’s really nothing all that awesome, let alone different from anything it’s “improving upon.” The Google 411 service, for example, is exactly the same thing… yet it’s apparently the greatest thing since sliced bread. Yes, I have tried it. Yes I know it recognizes what you say. So does umm… 411…
135. Similarly, things seem to become more appealing to the populace as a whole when the term “collectible” is stamped upon it. Not only this, it then prompts them to get similar tchotskes for exorbitant amounts of money that cost a fraction of a cent to actually manufacture. Not to mention, it’s always stuff that is prone to become a lot less interesting some four months after you get it. Ooh... it's a piece of cardboard. Nice... it's a special cardboard you say? That's cool that you spent $50 on it... I'll pass, though.
136. Here’s one I’m shocked I haven’t hit yet. People who use numbers as words. I’m alright with acronym use online (so long as you don’t actually SAY them when speaking in person), but numbers as words is where the line is drawn. “4” is a number, not a preposition, although it might double as your IQ. “Gr8” doesn’t mean anything to me. “Br8k” doesn’t even make any sense! (Sidenote: 1337 5p33<, on the other hand, is perfectly acceptable.)
137. People who think destruction or removal of property from its proper place in any form is “funny” as a prank. A trained monkey can pick something up and move it or destroy it just as well, if not better, than you can. Here’s a prank for ya: YOU having to pay for the stuff that YOU screwed up. Sounds fun, right?
138. People who just leave their shopping carts in parking places rather than being courteous enough to bring them back to the racks. This doesn’t accomplish anything other than blocking other people from being able to park, which eventually leads to clogging of the driveway, which eventually leads to accidents. While all of our insurances have to pay for your idiocy, you’re off being morons elsewhere.
139. How virtually every single “horror” film that has been released in the past decade or so has sucked beyond belief. Not only this, but they keep using the same old premises over and over. The common theme is dead people who, mind you, aren’t actually dead and for whatever reason want to take the place of a person who is alive, usually female, aged 16-24, wearing excessive make-up, and skimply clad for at least one scene. I can probably name a dozen films from the 2000s with this exact premise off the top of my head… each of them awful.
140. Teachers who use major tests as “see what you can do with this” opportunities. This defeats the purpose of having a test entirely: to be able to have a measurement of how well you learned the prior material. Using it as an opportunity to say “Gee, they’ve learned a, b, c, and d… let’s see how they deal with a test on d, e, f, g, and h" is quite ridiculous, really. I’m perfectly fine with the idea of such assessments… just not on actual tests, please… especially finals… *shudder*
141. If you want me to sign something, especially if it’s a bill at a restaurant or something that benefits YOU, the least you can do is provide me with a pen that actually functions. A broken writing utensil isn’t going to get either of us anywhere. Besides, why haven’t you already disposed of it before giving it to me? I’ll get rid of it for you alright…
142. If you’re at a grocery market, there’s nothing that annoys me more than people who decide to get a person they’re with to pull their car up to the front door, sparing him/herself from the utter pain and hardship of walking 50 feet. Usually it’s *cough* the rounder ones who do this. Hey! Perhaps that trek might give you a head start in burning those calories…
143. At concerts or other such gatherings, how when the singer/DJ/whatever shouts something along the lines of “How y’all doin?” they are invariably greeted with screams rather than coherency. I know “Quite well, thank you; and yourself?” doesn’t quite flow off the tongue in these instances, but still, if you’re just screaming, it could signify anything from finding a quarter to agonizing pain, for all I know. But of course, saying anything else makes you look like even more of an idiot. . .
144. Drug companies that market medication/pills for made-up “syndromes” and “disorders.” Such false disorders as “Restless Leg Syndrome” not only serve to undermine the medical community as a whole, but also just give people excuses to shove pills down their throats. And don’t even get me started on “A.D.D.”
145. When receipts from stores are a lot bigger than the actual bought items necessitate. When I buy one thing from your store, I don’t need War and Peace in return. Hell, I’m still wondering why they haven’t computerized the whole system yet. Environment. Kind of a nice thing to have around. . .
146. Expiration dates on anything that isn’t food or medication. What exactly is putting an expiration date on some sort of document/license/whatever accomplishing? And how does filling out endless paperwork to renew it have anything to do with keeping the document itself in effect for you?
147. People who talk excessively about a given sport during its off-season. You can talk about baseball all you want while it’s actually happening, but when you’re arguing over which team is the best in the middle of December, or whatever, it’s even more annoying than when you do it during the actual season. I’ll tell you what I’d do with a baseball bat right about now. . .
148. “Everything” Bagels. Don’t get me wrong, I love these things, but the name itself is a little unsavory, don’t you think? Had you never seen one before and you had just heard “Everything” as a Bagel flavor, I’m fairly sure you’d wonder what exactly it would entail. It’s reminiscent of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans, which, as I’m sure you know, can be far from appealing.
149. How is it that I can have a device that can check e-mail, surf the internet, play music, hold countless pictures, play games, keep track of time, and act as a movie player simultaneously and still fit in my palm while we still haven’t figured out a fuel source other than gasoline/oil? I think these luxury items, of sorts, are awesome and I’m certainly not denouncing them, but if half of the marketing tactics and thought that go into these went into alternative fuels, we’d have long since ditched the gas pump.
150. People who tell me I’m bitter… no shit, Sherlock.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Theory On Satire
I'd tell you to not panic, but you probably should do so a little bit to prepare yourself. Have you finished panicking? Good. Anyhow, my theory of satire will be… well… we’ll just say “unorthodox.” You will encounter a style of writing fit perhaps for an emu and such is on purpose. That doesn’t make any sense, you say? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet… You may want to make sure you’re properly restrained before continuing. Once again, you will very quickly see what I’m doing some ways into it. That being said, let’s do this thing…
Theory:
According to Aristotle, satire shows comedy in “the actions of inferior men.” This is right. Funny people are often shown as inferior to make them funnier. Especially if they’re hilarious. My favorite satire is Family Guy because Peter is stupid, and that’s funny. Stewie is also funny because he’s a baby who talks. Isn’t that weird? Oh, and Brian is a talking dog. Isn’t that weird too? Family Guy is a satire because it shows comedy in the actions of inferior people, just like Aristotle said.
Satire also has an aim to fix something wrong. If somebody sees something wrong with the world, then sometimes they can write or make a satire of it and make fun of it with a point. They hope that when they make fun of it, people will think to themselves about it and maybe do more to change it and make it a lot better.
Some people used to say that satire is pointless and can’t have a plot. This is wrong. Like I said, sometimes satire can be funny with a point to change something that the person making it doesn’t like. Just because something is funny doesn’t mean it can’t have a story to it. There are lots of funny stories that are satires because they are funny. Sometimes the stories themselves can be pointless though or people can be funny on accident (making other people laugh at their satire.) But then things get weird, so it’s not important to the point.
Aristotle’s quote about satire making fun of inferior people is holds much truth and is thus perfect. Satires have points… points to change things for the better.
By: Dylan Sures
Analysis of Suresian Theory:
Sures’ views on Aristotelian satire are not only entirely valid, but also build upon the base ideas of Aristotle himself. His immediate discussion of Aristotle’s theory of satire sets forth his intensive analysis discussion concerning Aristotelian literary methodology as a whole, effectively bringing to light any and all of the reader’s preconceptions of the nature of comedy itself, catalyzing what will soon prove to be a radical paradigm shift in mindset. Sures’ simple assertion that Aristotle’s views are “right” acts brilliantly in his clear attempt to humble himself and thus allow his genius to become more accessible to society as a whole, while also successfully not making a blatant, condescending attempt to give the impression of talking down to the rest of humanity. This impeccably mirrors his next point concerning the depiction of individuals as “inferior to make them funnier” in that he has, in one fell swoop, differentiated himself from those who attempt to make others seem inferior through employment of ostentatious displays of thick, impenetrable prose and set forth a patent dichotomy between Suresian satire and Aristotelian satire, setting forth his own radical ideas in opposition to those of Aristotle.
Sures then moves on to systematically and subtly discredit scholars’ preconceived views of satire as previously dictated by Aristotle, while still brilliantly maintaining his accessible approach to his deconstruction. Sures then makes an elegant leap to the subject of hilarity, bringing his discussion to a higher, more philosophical, albeit continuously accessible plane. However, this discussion of all that is “hilarious” serves not merely to support his own discussion, but also to highlight the folly Aristotle in his attempted theory of satire. He then likens Aristotelian satire theory to a much more low-brow entity in the form of Family Guy. Once again, Sures not only states his far-flung ideas with the utmost of simplicity, but also discredits Aristotle, likening his ideas to words coming out of the mouth of a talking infant, or perhaps, as he adds snidely, those emanating from that of a canine, with this simple lambasting, incriminating statement of “just like Aristotle said.” He then continues subtly demolishing Aristotelian theory in a manner most certainly unbeknownst to Aristotle himself in his discussion of intent, which is itself an extension of a facet of satire, by stealthily confirming his intent to set forth a radical revolution of thought, using phrases such as “make fun of it with a point” not only as evidence on his discussion of intent, but also in mockery of Aristotle himself.
Sures, who by this point has proven himself to be obviously far superior as a thinker, then likens Aristotle’s views in their entirety to a “funny story”, completing his elegant minimization of Aristotle’s once blindly followed fallacies, easing the transition from Aristotelian to Suresian thought. He finalizes this transformation by neutralizing Aristotle’s decades of once celebrated thought with what will in all certainty be an immortal seven words: “things get weird, so it’s not important.” He has now reduced Aristotle to the oddity that he, until recently, had disguised with a veneer of false intelligence. He then closes his pivotal discussion with a sample of his own satire, calling Aristotle’s views “perfect” despite his obvious discrediting. Sures has indeed “change[d] things for the better”, as scholars can now step out from under the imposing shadow of Aristotelian thought and move toward the heavenly light of Suresian thought.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
2008 in Review
With 8¼ hours or so left in the year, I’ve gotten to thinking about the past year in general. So I’m giving the year a review, broken up by season.
Winter: C+
Started off with the funeral for my grandmother, with whom I had never had a particularly strong connection. I didn’t dislike her so much as was chronically indifferent toward her, given her propensity to swing between (reportedly) boasting to her friends/family about my “accomplishments” and accusing me of cheating at Scrabble. Schoolwork was quite hectic and my strive to salvage certain social matters unresolved from sophomore year yielded minimal progress to the point where I just stopped caring about the situation itself. (Sierra folk may know what I’m talking about.) Began thinking seriously about college, which was still shrouded in a cloud of uncertainty, albeit mixed with excitement.
Spring: B-
Began with having to renew my permit, due to parental inactivity toward getting my license, which was rather annoying. Other than that, the AP Crunch for school rolled around and passed, leaving me refreshed upon its completion. Junior year was winding down, leaving me with a great bout of sentimentality about graduating in what was then a year, although it was of a positive, reflective variety. I was waitlisted for Cluster 2 of COSMOS, which was extremely irksome and to this day, I still think I should have been in that cluster. Found out toward the end of the season I was instead accepted into Cluster 5, which I accepted. However, when I called the place where I work over the summer upon knowing this to tell them my final schedule, I had found they were already booked and I could not work, which was extremely annoying, almost leading me to regret accepting my admittance to COSMOS. This regret would soon evaporate…
Summer: A+
COSMOS was fucking awesome. There’s no other way to say it, really. (Heheheheh, maybe they could put that “testimonial” in their newsletter…) This was by far the favorite summer of my life. Period. I had the opportunity to associate with numerous people with similar interests and capacities to my own for an extended period of time, which was great. That last sentence sells the experience way short, though. I met a whole bunch of awesome people and was introduced to the exalted game and lifestyle of Mao. On another level, the summer changed a good portion of my self-perception, in a way. I felt a sense of immediate belonging and amicability that hadn’t been characteristic of the prior three years or so, effectively throwing me out of the social funk I had been cloistered in since Sophomore Year. It was the first significant bout of unadulterated positive energy and happiness in general in a significant portion of time… not to say I hadn’t been happy before then, but, until that point, it had been primarily “pleasure spiked with pain”, to quote Anthony Kiedis (and sometimes the inverse.) It even directly led to my eventual decision, despite the resistance for years, to get a Facebook to ease my continued contact with everybody. I found that I could still work at the summer camp, albeit not for as long as I would have liked. However, I worked as a substitute and was essentially a Head Counselor for the respective groups for which I filled in, which was cool. I found I had gotten into the English class I had wanted (the Satire class).
Autumn/Early Winter: B+
Senior year started and, for the first time, I was in all classes in which I was actually interested, which was a welcome change. The same situation as discussed in the “Winter” section began to rectify itself and has risen to a level that was better than I had settled for nine months prior. My Mock Trial Team moved into the playoffs for the first time in 7 years. Barack Obama was elected president. Certain propositions passed that I am dismayed to have seen make it, leading to some disappointment. I did get deferred at both Caltech and MIT, but was informed by my college counselor that the Head Dean of Admissions at Caltech liked me a lot when he talked to me and that I was a perfect fit for Caltech, with his only reason for deferral being slight concern with a few B+’s in Sophomore/Junior years. Apparently, if I get all A’s this semester, I’ve got a really good shot. My grades are currently at their highest point in all of High School and I have had the most relaxing Winter Break in as long as I can remember, complete with my partaking in the awesomeness that is online Mao. My ‘List of Things That Piss Me Off’ had a Rennaisance after my having not done much with it since Freshman year and I am quite pleased with the direction that it has taken. I have continued to keep in contact with everybody from COSMOS, which is great, and Facebook has served me very well in this endeavor. Driver's test on the 31st was bullshit, because apparently turning my head 430° is "insufficient scanning", but whatever.
Year in General: B+
All things considered, a very solid year.
Here’s hoping for 2009 to bring high marks!
Winter: C+
Started off with the funeral for my grandmother, with whom I had never had a particularly strong connection. I didn’t dislike her so much as was chronically indifferent toward her, given her propensity to swing between (reportedly) boasting to her friends/family about my “accomplishments” and accusing me of cheating at Scrabble. Schoolwork was quite hectic and my strive to salvage certain social matters unresolved from sophomore year yielded minimal progress to the point where I just stopped caring about the situation itself. (Sierra folk may know what I’m talking about.) Began thinking seriously about college, which was still shrouded in a cloud of uncertainty, albeit mixed with excitement.
Spring: B-
Began with having to renew my permit, due to parental inactivity toward getting my license, which was rather annoying. Other than that, the AP Crunch for school rolled around and passed, leaving me refreshed upon its completion. Junior year was winding down, leaving me with a great bout of sentimentality about graduating in what was then a year, although it was of a positive, reflective variety. I was waitlisted for Cluster 2 of COSMOS, which was extremely irksome and to this day, I still think I should have been in that cluster. Found out toward the end of the season I was instead accepted into Cluster 5, which I accepted. However, when I called the place where I work over the summer upon knowing this to tell them my final schedule, I had found they were already booked and I could not work, which was extremely annoying, almost leading me to regret accepting my admittance to COSMOS. This regret would soon evaporate…
Summer: A+
COSMOS was fucking awesome. There’s no other way to say it, really. (Heheheheh, maybe they could put that “testimonial” in their newsletter…) This was by far the favorite summer of my life. Period. I had the opportunity to associate with numerous people with similar interests and capacities to my own for an extended period of time, which was great. That last sentence sells the experience way short, though. I met a whole bunch of awesome people and was introduced to the exalted game and lifestyle of Mao. On another level, the summer changed a good portion of my self-perception, in a way. I felt a sense of immediate belonging and amicability that hadn’t been characteristic of the prior three years or so, effectively throwing me out of the social funk I had been cloistered in since Sophomore Year. It was the first significant bout of unadulterated positive energy and happiness in general in a significant portion of time… not to say I hadn’t been happy before then, but, until that point, it had been primarily “pleasure spiked with pain”, to quote Anthony Kiedis (and sometimes the inverse.) It even directly led to my eventual decision, despite the resistance for years, to get a Facebook to ease my continued contact with everybody. I found that I could still work at the summer camp, albeit not for as long as I would have liked. However, I worked as a substitute and was essentially a Head Counselor for the respective groups for which I filled in, which was cool. I found I had gotten into the English class I had wanted (the Satire class).
Autumn/Early Winter: B+
Senior year started and, for the first time, I was in all classes in which I was actually interested, which was a welcome change. The same situation as discussed in the “Winter” section began to rectify itself and has risen to a level that was better than I had settled for nine months prior. My Mock Trial Team moved into the playoffs for the first time in 7 years. Barack Obama was elected president. Certain propositions passed that I am dismayed to have seen make it, leading to some disappointment. I did get deferred at both Caltech and MIT, but was informed by my college counselor that the Head Dean of Admissions at Caltech liked me a lot when he talked to me and that I was a perfect fit for Caltech, with his only reason for deferral being slight concern with a few B+’s in Sophomore/Junior years. Apparently, if I get all A’s this semester, I’ve got a really good shot. My grades are currently at their highest point in all of High School and I have had the most relaxing Winter Break in as long as I can remember, complete with my partaking in the awesomeness that is online Mao. My ‘List of Things That Piss Me Off’ had a Rennaisance after my having not done much with it since Freshman year and I am quite pleased with the direction that it has taken. I have continued to keep in contact with everybody from COSMOS, which is great, and Facebook has served me very well in this endeavor. Driver's test on the 31st was bullshit, because apparently turning my head 430° is "insufficient scanning", but whatever.
Year in General: B+
All things considered, a very solid year.
Here’s hoping for 2009 to bring high marks!
Things That Piss Me Off: 101-120
Of course it’s not over… what did you expect?
101. People who say things like “Everyone knows that!” or “Everybody does this” and other such things prefaced with “everyone.” Who exactly is this “everyone?” I want to meet him/her… seems like a real popular person…
102. When people say somebody or something had a “complete 360-degree turnaround” when referencing a drastic change. This is just stupid… it’s fairly common knowledge that a turn of 360 degrees would leave you exactly where you started from. This also leads to other conundrums as to what constitutes a proper “180-degree turnaround” and if there are intermediate values. Can I say I had an 86-degree turnaround since the beginning of the year?
103. Those internet things that measure your “Real Age.” I understand their intentions, but to call it a person’s “real age” is just stupid. I don’t care if some 72-year-old works out for 159 hours a week and eats nothing but broccoli… they’re still 72 freaking years old and not 57, or whatever it says.
104. People who are under the impression that religion is a necessity of a proper upbringing. I don’t want this to be a repeat of my prior rant on the subject, but it warrants another mention in this context. Bottom line: religion does much more bad than good. I plan to raise my children (if applicable) as free-thinkers. Sure, I’ll tell them about religion, but certainly not make it an integral part of their upbringing, so they can make those decisions on their own.
105. I’m normally very tolerant of spelling errors (given a situation where it’s casual conversation anyhow), but there are certain spelling errors that annoy the hell out of me for reasons unknown. Spelling “Kindergarten” as “kindergarden” is one of them, along with misspellings of “definitely” and “ridiculous.” On an actual online forum where otherwise intelligent conversation is going on, spell check is a must and all spelling errors piss me off.
106. People who continue to mispronounce names after countless corrections. A name is a very personal thing… and people can take great pride in them. So when you conveniently leave off a few letters or put an emphasis on incorrect syllables, it's obnoxious in general... and potentially highly damaging. (My name's easy... no hidden tricks there, but still...)
107. On that subject, I really don’t like it when I find out I’ve been mispronouncing somebody’s name for years. Please tell me immediately if I mispronounce your name, as it makes me feel like a real jerk when I do so. People who try to wave it off as insignificant shouldn’t. Once again, a name is the very essence of one’s being.
108. People who use “the baby voice.” I don’t care if it’s toward a six-month old child; I find it to be extremely demeaning and unduly condescending. It’s not cute. It’s not loving. It’s sickening. People just don’t talk like that to one another in actual society and shouldn’t, regardless of age.
109. E-mails from colleges that I haven’t even considered yelling at me about “missing their deadline.” Look, I know you purchased my information from Collegeboard for 32 cents and I’m fully aware that if I e-mail you back saying I don’t want to hear from you anymore, you’ll supposedly go away, but do you really expect me to exert that kind of effort? Perhaps your “failure to receive my application” indicates that I don’t give a crap about your school… but that would make sense, wouldn’t it? Speaking of which…
110. Collegeboard. Be it their gratuitous overpricing of everything, the utter bureaucracy, or the things they stretch with your “consent” (see 109), every facet of this organization irritates me to the core. Its utter Monopoly on high school testing is rather disturbing in the exorbitant amount of money it generates ripping us all off. Apparently, it’s working on a Middle School equivalent to the SAT. I can only exhort everybody within earshot not to jump on that bandwagon… we don’t need to feed this monster even more…
111. It seems that at any amusement park there seems to be those people that are obsessed with taking pictures… with a particular fixation for taking them in the middle of walkways. They could position themselves ANYWHERE ELSE other than exactly where I’m walking… yet they choose to take it right there. I swear, they do it just to spite ME.
112. Anybody over the age of 12 at those 3D movies who grab at the screen when the holograms pop out at them. This only accomplishes blocking other people’s views who want to enjoy the attraction. You’re accomplishing absolutely nothing. Once again, sometimes I find it hard to find the difference between just being “funny” and being an idiot, so I assume the latter.
113. On that subject, similar movies that designate themselves as “4D” when stuff pops out at you more. When stuff pops out on an additional axis “off the screen”, there’s already a name for that. You may have heard of it: 3D. Unless they’re actually going through time, I don’t want to have anything to do with these.
114. At Disneyland, the parades are always conveniently set up in such a way that there is no way to get ANYWHERE. You’re trapped watching large blocks with dancing costume freaks going by at 0.02 yoctometers per year. I want to actually do something worthwhile… or perhaps leave. Once again, here comes Disney siphoning our money and time any way it can...
115. The negative stigma that the word “overachiever” has taken on in the recent years. Since when is something or somebody performing above what is expected something to be looked down upon? Overachievement is highly relative, anyhow. Such labels as ‘overachiever’ and ‘underachiever’ are based on a static and incomplete understanding of the nature of intelligence. I know what I should be achieving. External standards or opinions are not issues.
116. When a teacher is writing on a whiteboard/chalkboard at such an angle that your view is obstructed by their body. It’s not this in itself that pisses me off so much as the fact that there’s no real polite way to tell them to move. It’s just one of those things you have to leave to that one person in your class that can pull it off as natural (Heheheh, Bennett…)
117. Record companies that call for their signed artists to “commercialize” their work. The whole point of the band coming together in the first place is to make their music their own way. You, as the record company, at least in theory, signed the band for their sound and their music, not to stifle their creativity. Then, it seems that this call for more “radio-friendly” music just results in a commercial flop. Go figure…
118. The fact that there’s no way to express condolences in English for an unfavorable situation involving somebody else that had nothing to do with you personally than “I’m sorry.” It always ends up in awkwardness when the person assures you that “it’s not your fault” and you’re completely aware of this. “My condolences” is about as close as it comes… but it still lacks something… sounds somewhat detached…
119. The nervous “courtesy laugh” some people give in response to an awkward statement that was perceived by the person who said it as funny. It really doesn’t accomplish anything and just sounds forced, resulting in either false satisfaction for the would-be joker or just rubs it in his/her face that he/she wasn’t funny. A simple “Fail” would do the trick better than this… and that’s saying something.
120. From my experience, there seems to be an inverse relationship between the simplicity of putting a given product back in its package properly and its proneness to malfunction. (That was probably ridiculously convoluted… sorry…) I buy a pair of headphones and, of course, and probably because the package requires being torn to shambles to retrieve them for use, the right speaker conks out on me after two hours of use. They’re probably doing it on purpose… oh how they love our money…
101. People who say things like “Everyone knows that!” or “Everybody does this” and other such things prefaced with “everyone.” Who exactly is this “everyone?” I want to meet him/her… seems like a real popular person…
102. When people say somebody or something had a “complete 360-degree turnaround” when referencing a drastic change. This is just stupid… it’s fairly common knowledge that a turn of 360 degrees would leave you exactly where you started from. This also leads to other conundrums as to what constitutes a proper “180-degree turnaround” and if there are intermediate values. Can I say I had an 86-degree turnaround since the beginning of the year?
103. Those internet things that measure your “Real Age.” I understand their intentions, but to call it a person’s “real age” is just stupid. I don’t care if some 72-year-old works out for 159 hours a week and eats nothing but broccoli… they’re still 72 freaking years old and not 57, or whatever it says.
104. People who are under the impression that religion is a necessity of a proper upbringing. I don’t want this to be a repeat of my prior rant on the subject, but it warrants another mention in this context. Bottom line: religion does much more bad than good. I plan to raise my children (if applicable) as free-thinkers. Sure, I’ll tell them about religion, but certainly not make it an integral part of their upbringing, so they can make those decisions on their own.
105. I’m normally very tolerant of spelling errors (given a situation where it’s casual conversation anyhow), but there are certain spelling errors that annoy the hell out of me for reasons unknown. Spelling “Kindergarten” as “kindergarden” is one of them, along with misspellings of “definitely” and “ridiculous.” On an actual online forum where otherwise intelligent conversation is going on, spell check is a must and all spelling errors piss me off.
106. People who continue to mispronounce names after countless corrections. A name is a very personal thing… and people can take great pride in them. So when you conveniently leave off a few letters or put an emphasis on incorrect syllables, it's obnoxious in general... and potentially highly damaging. (My name's easy... no hidden tricks there, but still...)
107. On that subject, I really don’t like it when I find out I’ve been mispronouncing somebody’s name for years. Please tell me immediately if I mispronounce your name, as it makes me feel like a real jerk when I do so. People who try to wave it off as insignificant shouldn’t. Once again, a name is the very essence of one’s being.
108. People who use “the baby voice.” I don’t care if it’s toward a six-month old child; I find it to be extremely demeaning and unduly condescending. It’s not cute. It’s not loving. It’s sickening. People just don’t talk like that to one another in actual society and shouldn’t, regardless of age.
109. E-mails from colleges that I haven’t even considered yelling at me about “missing their deadline.” Look, I know you purchased my information from Collegeboard for 32 cents and I’m fully aware that if I e-mail you back saying I don’t want to hear from you anymore, you’ll supposedly go away, but do you really expect me to exert that kind of effort? Perhaps your “failure to receive my application” indicates that I don’t give a crap about your school… but that would make sense, wouldn’t it? Speaking of which…
110. Collegeboard. Be it their gratuitous overpricing of everything, the utter bureaucracy, or the things they stretch with your “consent” (see 109), every facet of this organization irritates me to the core. Its utter Monopoly on high school testing is rather disturbing in the exorbitant amount of money it generates ripping us all off. Apparently, it’s working on a Middle School equivalent to the SAT. I can only exhort everybody within earshot not to jump on that bandwagon… we don’t need to feed this monster even more…
111. It seems that at any amusement park there seems to be those people that are obsessed with taking pictures… with a particular fixation for taking them in the middle of walkways. They could position themselves ANYWHERE ELSE other than exactly where I’m walking… yet they choose to take it right there. I swear, they do it just to spite ME.
112. Anybody over the age of 12 at those 3D movies who grab at the screen when the holograms pop out at them. This only accomplishes blocking other people’s views who want to enjoy the attraction. You’re accomplishing absolutely nothing. Once again, sometimes I find it hard to find the difference between just being “funny” and being an idiot, so I assume the latter.
113. On that subject, similar movies that designate themselves as “4D” when stuff pops out at you more. When stuff pops out on an additional axis “off the screen”, there’s already a name for that. You may have heard of it: 3D. Unless they’re actually going through time, I don’t want to have anything to do with these.
114. At Disneyland, the parades are always conveniently set up in such a way that there is no way to get ANYWHERE. You’re trapped watching large blocks with dancing costume freaks going by at 0.02 yoctometers per year. I want to actually do something worthwhile… or perhaps leave. Once again, here comes Disney siphoning our money and time any way it can...
115. The negative stigma that the word “overachiever” has taken on in the recent years. Since when is something or somebody performing above what is expected something to be looked down upon? Overachievement is highly relative, anyhow. Such labels as ‘overachiever’ and ‘underachiever’ are based on a static and incomplete understanding of the nature of intelligence. I know what I should be achieving. External standards or opinions are not issues.
116. When a teacher is writing on a whiteboard/chalkboard at such an angle that your view is obstructed by their body. It’s not this in itself that pisses me off so much as the fact that there’s no real polite way to tell them to move. It’s just one of those things you have to leave to that one person in your class that can pull it off as natural (Heheheh, Bennett…)
117. Record companies that call for their signed artists to “commercialize” their work. The whole point of the band coming together in the first place is to make their music their own way. You, as the record company, at least in theory, signed the band for their sound and their music, not to stifle their creativity. Then, it seems that this call for more “radio-friendly” music just results in a commercial flop. Go figure…
118. The fact that there’s no way to express condolences in English for an unfavorable situation involving somebody else that had nothing to do with you personally than “I’m sorry.” It always ends up in awkwardness when the person assures you that “it’s not your fault” and you’re completely aware of this. “My condolences” is about as close as it comes… but it still lacks something… sounds somewhat detached…
119. The nervous “courtesy laugh” some people give in response to an awkward statement that was perceived by the person who said it as funny. It really doesn’t accomplish anything and just sounds forced, resulting in either false satisfaction for the would-be joker or just rubs it in his/her face that he/she wasn’t funny. A simple “Fail” would do the trick better than this… and that’s saying something.
120. From my experience, there seems to be an inverse relationship between the simplicity of putting a given product back in its package properly and its proneness to malfunction. (That was probably ridiculously convoluted… sorry…) I buy a pair of headphones and, of course, and probably because the package requires being torn to shambles to retrieve them for use, the right speaker conks out on me after two hours of use. They’re probably doing it on purpose… oh how they love our money…
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
